Not So Empty Nest Days

Cherishing the days past while moving towards the days ahead, BHG

The Eyes of a Child pt I- Set Apart By GOD, Not Bullies

on June 14, 2013

I was recently able to do a guest blog for a friend of mine and it gave me the idea of having a guest blogger. After having my kids read mine, the idea came to have them write one. So here is my firstborn, Makaila, telling her story. A hard one even now for me to hear, but for one God gave fight to at a day old, being 2 months premature and off the ventilator the next day… She has come a longer way than Virginia Slims.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; (2 Corinthians 4:8 NIV)

Bullying. A subject that hasn’t gotten that much attention until recently. You got celebrities like Lady Gaga & Taylor Swift writing songs about be bullied or anthem songs, as I like to call them. But does that stop anything? A movie called Bully recently came out which started a nationwide movement. But is it gonna stop bullying altogether?

I’d say it started in 4th grade but it actually started when I was in 6th grade. Up until 4th grade, I was the popular kid. Everyone wanted to play with me. Everyone wanted to hang out with me. I lived close enough to the school to walk home & we always had a huge group, my brother & I. After 4th grade, I switched schools & I was no longer the popular girl. I was the new girl. Which wasn’t so bad. I had friends. 6th grade however, was one of the worst years for me. I had 4 friends in my class. No one liked me. & I couldn’t figure out why. They would pick on me & call me names. One girl even stole things from my locker. I did my best to fit in, & it seem to always backfire on me. I never thought to tell anybody cause I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t see these kids anymore since we were all going to different middle schools. Graduation day was one of the best days of my life.

Middle school was okay. A handful of kids from the elementary school I graduated from, was there so it was nice to know some people. This was when everyone started to form their “cliques”. I didn’t know where I fit in so I just hung out with the “weird” kids. I still talk to a few of them today. This was when I started listening to rock music more. Nobody really made fun of me as much, not that I remember anyway. The one thing I do remember is this girl, who I had never spoken to in my life before, called me ugly everyday, for no apparent reason. I hadn’t spoken two words to her. At first, I would say some smart comment to her, eventually, I didn’t say anything at all. & I started to believe it. My best friend was moving so I had no one when I started high school. & the people I knew from elementary school were all going to separate high schools. High school….how do I describe high school. I hated high school. Freshman year wasn’t that bad. Sophomore year, however was the worst. For whatever reason, that’s the year everyone decided to bully me. I was called names, some girl tried subtly fight me in drama class. Drama class was mainly where everything happened. This group of kids, mainly black kids, would pick on me because what I wearing, my skin, my clothes, my hair, the music I listened to. They would call me ugly, & other horrible names & make up stupid rumors about how me & these other girls were having a lesbian foursome. I dreaded going to that class everyday, but it was one of my favorites. & as much as I dreaded it, I didn’t want to get on my teacher’s bad side cause we got points if we were in the drama club & were in the plays. Around this time, was when I was being bullied at church as well. I also hated going to church. I hated going to church as well. I would stall as much time as possible. I would hide out in the bathroom for as long as possible. When I was sick or we couldn’t go, I was secretly happy. My self esteem was at an all time low. I was depressed. I’m pretty sure that when my anxiety problem/disorder started. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. I would cry myself to sleep or stay up late, hoping I would oversleep & miss school. Yeah, I had friends. I still talk to them actually. But I felt so alone. & I started to think, that if I went away, all my problems would go away. I never actually attempted suicide. I did think about it though. Not a lot. Just enough though. So I started listening to a lot more heavy metal [which fueled the fire, because according to high school rules, black people aren’t supposed to listen to that. Especially black girls] I read a lot. I think I read most of the books in the library. I never thought I would make to the end of sophomore year, let alone my 16th birthday. But I turned 16, & 5 months later, sophomore year ended. & I was so thankful. I had thought about asking my mom to let me switch schools. But I stayed. Junior & Senior wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. I still got bullied, or called names, but this time, I just kind of let it roll, thinking to myself that I would never see this people again. I was still kind of depressed. But I threw myself into drama & photography & reading & the handful of friends I had. Graduation day was one of the best days of my life.
Then I went to college. I think that if I had some sort of therapy, my experience would have been different. But instead, I was 18. I was scared, nervous, going to a school I didn’t even want to go to. I had immediately written everyone off, saying it’s gonna be just like high school. My anxiety was always at an all time high. I hated being around the people I didn’t know, & I never ate in the cafeteria. I was too nervous, that everyone was judging me, or staring like I was a freak. I would always eat food my mom had brought to me. I only did a semester, because it was too expensive. [i’m STILL paying for that by the way]. I knew I wasn’t ready. I even told my mom but she thought it would be a good experience. Which it kind of was. I got to live on my own for 6 months, even though my house was a 10 minute drive away. But if I had to do it again, I don’t know if I would. I felt alone there. I did like my roommate though.
Now, I’m 22. My self esteem isn’t where I would like it to be. I still have my anxiety problem, I still get depressed. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust people the same way again. But it did teach me. It taught me that I had to keep fighting. Even if I didn’t feel like it. I’m learning that those people can’t ever bother me again & I have to keep reminding myself, one day at a time. It’s very hard though. I still have my days. But I know that God kept me alive for a reason. What yet, I haven’t figured out. I just know I have a lot of gifts & I want to use them. – Makaila


2 responses to “The Eyes of a Child pt I- Set Apart By GOD, Not Bullies

  1. Nina says:

    You never know someone story until you actually hear them speak about it. All week I’ve been reminded that you don’t know MY story so don’t try to tell it and vice versa. I’m glad you shared your story because it gave me some great insight and I ray God continues to show you why you are still here even when you don’t understand. Rift before I read this my prayer was Lord do it( not know what it is) I just know when it’s done I want it done so I can be like THAT WASN’T NOBODY BUT GOD! Then I log on and read this and now I’m passing it on to you, he will do it!

    Keep praying,

  2. Lynda Hepburn (nana) says:

    To my lovely granddaughter; I just finished reading your blog, and while I did shed a few tears, I recognized the freedom in all that you said. I feel all of your pain Mikki, you see I too was the product of ‘bullying’. I remember this one young lady, Nancy, tall heavy set black girl that took a huge dislike to me; why? To this day Mikki, I can’t even tell you. I would have to run home from school everyday. Then I was forced to live with my grandmother because her taxes were way too high, and my going to school there would have made them cheaper for her. The bullying continued Mikki, whenever I went to see my mother on the weekends, my brothers and cousins would chant; ‘here comes stuck up Lynda”. My self esteem was also at an all time low. The one thing that I remember from my High School days Mikki, I had a gym teacher (was working in the kitchen at a local hospital) oh, by the way, the little change that I made on my job, my grandmother took and gave me 25 cents a day (that covered breakfast 10cents, and lunch 15cents) at any rate, my gym teacher had so much love in her heart, for me an ugly, overweight black girl; she met me one day at work, gave me an envelope and told me; ‘it’s not much, by no means, but take it and add it to your savings for college(remember this was 1967), and when you go to school, reach for the sky and don’t stop for any reason” One thing you must remember Mikki, this was at a time that black people couldn’t sit at the fountain counter at Woolworth, we had some water fountains we couldn’t even drink from. That being said, I was placed in a program at school that would allow me to get a job that wouldn’t lead to anything Mikki…the bullying continued even after I graduated from High School, but it came from family Mikki… so I had my mom sign papers to join the Military ( my dad even called me horrible names). Today, PRAISE GOD HE saw my worth, HE kept, and HE guided me. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m definitely not where I use to be either. This being said, Mikki, GOD has such a plan for you, never, never forget that… You are now, and always have been a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY, take pride in who you are, the daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD!!!!!! I love you Mikki, always have and always will. Don’t allow in-significant people to bring you down, Do not claim anxiety, rather claim VICTORY, CLAIM FREEDOM over all that would try to keep you down. Hold your head high, and know that GOD has nothing but good for you. Love you my nina!!! While we are grand daughter and Nana, we are sisters!!!

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